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Abby B says:

hi – great to see you – I was wondering how things were going – but sorry
that they aren’t going as good as you maybe expected.
Your flatmates are worried about you because they care – try to remember
what you say about imagining how you would feel worrying about someone
else. It doesn’t sound stupid – it makes a whole lot of sense, and it’s
good that you have the insight to be able to see that is a way of looking
at things that might help. They are with you everyday so can see how maybe
you have changed or see things that you don’t see/your ED head won’t let
you see.
You don’t have to explain yourself or your ED/depression or anything else –
but anorexia is probably one of the most obvious mental health things to
see in someone – as in you can hide depression/ocd to some extent. You
mention a couple of people said they new from when they first met you –
maybe they did – do you know if they have had previous friends/relatives
with an ED? – once you have experienced it somewhere/somehow in your life
it becomes much more easy to ‘spot the signs’ in someone else (not that
this is a game of spot the anorexic!).
I can understand why you didn’t want to really tell anyone about your ED –
as it doesn’t define who you are, and you wanted you be known as just Lou –
and now they know in a way your ED head is telling you that you have to
live up to the expectation of being anorexic and uses that as excuse not to
eat, but then if you eat infront of people then you don’t want them to
comment or draw attention to it as it makes you feel bad, but if they don’t
comment then you feel like they haven’t acknowledged how much of a
struggle/achievement it is to eat something. Either way you can’t win! Not
even sure there is an easy answer.
As for not being clever enough to be at uni – rubbish! – they wouldn’t have
given you a place if they thought that. I remember my first year at uni – I
hated it – I felt totally in above my depth – there were all these people
who were cleverer than me and who were brilliant at sport or music and
could keep up with a active social life as well as seemingly breeze through
all their work – while all I could do was keep on top of the work and
bumble through the best I could. I felt so wrong all I wanted to do was
leave – but by the 2nd year I felt much more settled and now looking back
I’m glad I stuck it out. So hang in there. Remember uni is a big difference
compared to the structure of lessons at school – where the teachers taught
you most stuff and there was a whole lot more guidance – uni, yes you have
lectures, but most of the work/learning is individual – so it takes some
getting used to and finding your feet etc. Never mind the having to look
after yourself as well as work.
Did you have any luck with the uni dr/ED team? would you ever consider
anti-depressants? – I know they don’t solve things but if you find the
right one for you they can make things/life a whole lot easier to cope with
(especially the mornings – which are horrid).
I’ve rambled and probably not said much of use – but try to take your own
words on board and look after yourself – your brain is an organ that needs
energy and nutrients to function ie food – if you don’t give it enough it
can’t concentrate or work properly – I kept telling myself that and that if
I wanted to do my best at my work I did at least have to eat enough to fuel
my brain.
Just please please take care and be sensible, and your flatmates worry as
they care – just put yourself first.
Abby

rachellescreations says:

Your videos are so helpful! :)